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Our first step into the crazy world of IVF...
For those of you who are new to IVF, it is a two part process, every doctor is different but for us it was also a two month process as well. The first month was focusing on the egg retrieval and the second month would be the transfer and hopefully the pregnancy.
I will never forget when our gigantic box of meds showed up on our doorstep. I opened the box and instantly started to cry. I felt like I was suddenly being transformed from a perfectly healthy person who barely takes Advil, to someone who needed all of this medication. It was scary and overwhelming. The crazy thing about infertility treatments is you don’t know what your next day will look like, so the idea of planning ahead or knowing what to expect just goes out the window. When all of these meds showed up, not only was I scared but I was clueless. I had no idea what they were or what they were for. I remember seeing these giant needles and thinking “oh my god, how are we ever going to do this?” Thankfully, a nurse later informed me that those were mixing needles so crisis averted.
We got everything organized (see the photo below for how I stayed organized, two bin from Target and a huge calendar on the wall with the days and dosages) and instantly went into battle mode. The first part of the process is called “stims.” Basically it is the stimulation stage, you start off with an injection in your stomach ever night and then increase that after a week or so to two injections, one in the morning and one at night. This part isn’t fun, I am really good with needles (acupuncture helped) so I wasn’t scared but its still stressful. It was probably much harder on my husband Chris since he was the one giving me the shots. But he was amazing, super focused and organized. You really become this power team, it’s been the silver lining of this whole ordeal. We are closer and stronger than I think we would have ever been if we hadn’t been thrown this crazy curve ball.
So for two weeks we did these injections every day, sometimes twice a day, which were coupled with two kinds of pills. One antibiotic to help you fight infection and one called Cabergolene which helps fight swelling and wards off OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome). That one is brutal, it makes you have crazy dreams and causes nervousness, just what I needed! The brain ones guys, those are the worst. I could handle the pain and the weird physical side affects but the pills that target your brain are not my jam, at all. Honestly though, you have to go into it knowing that none of it is going to be fun or easy but something you have to push through in order to win the battle. It’s all about your attitude, mind over matter.
At this point we were going in every morning for ultrasounds and blood work to make sure things were progressing the way they needed to. Planning and living life like a normal person at this point is just impossible. Every day things change and you just become so focused that nothing else really seems to matter. It’s all so temporary but you are putting so much energy, time and money into it that it really does consume you. That doesn’t mean you don’t still feel guilty for missing work or social events or being horribly distracted or feeling crummy during the parts that you do participate in. Life still carries on and you just have to remember to put yourself first even when it feels unfamiliar. It’s only temporary.
We finally found out that our egg retrieval would be on June 23rd at 1:00pm. Yes! Finally a plan! You think I would have learned that you can’t plan, nothing in this process goes as planned. A lesson I am sure the universe is beating me over the head with on a daily basis.
At the start of the process I had 16 follicles, a good number for my age. In nature you have a certain number every month that varies, then one or two mature and if fertilized you become pregnant. With IVF they want all of your follicles to mature, that is what the medication does. So instead of having one egg in your ovaries you have 16, needless to say you feel gross. So full and crampy and an insane amount of pressure. I was so scared going into the egg retrieval surgery but I was ready to feel some relief too.
Exactly 36 hours prior to surgery you do a “Trigger Shot,” which is the HCG pregnancy hormone which triggers your body to ovulate. Essentially opening up the flood gates for the retrieval to happen. So there we were half asleep in the kitchen at 1:00 am on the 21st, Chris giving me an injection in the butt. Again did I mention that this process is super sexy? If you guys haven't watched "Friends from College" on Netflix, you really should! They have a whole episode about the Trigger Shot and it's stressful and hilarious. Really gives an insight into the high stakes of IVF and all the pressure it puts on you to time everything perfectly. Anyways, everything went as planned and the morning of the 23rd was filled with nervous energy.
Prior to this procedure, I had never been in the hospital or under anesthesia before so it was a very daunting experience for me. Ironically I felt pretty calm that morning, I honestly think the waiting game and anticipation is what kills me. My mom, Chris and I all sat there waiting for them to take me in. It was weird, this whole process makes you feel like a sick person. Medications, physical changes, surgeries, doctors appointments, it’s a battle for sure. So there I was in this heated bed, which I loved, IV in place waiting to go into the surgery. A friend of mine mentioned to tell the anethesiologist that I was a first timer and very nervous and he would give me something to calm my nerves. Best advice ever, I told him I was nervous, he calmly said "I have something that will help with that," and I instantly felt a calmness rush over my entire body. I highly recommend doing this! I honestly wish I had that guys around all the time to give me that little bit of magic calmness. I said my goodbyes and they wheeled me into this big room that made me feel like I was on Grey’s Anatomy. That’s pretty much the last thing I remember, I woke up an hour later in the recover room, feeling groggy and in pain but ok. I remember a nurse coming over and asking me how I was feeling. I told her I was feeling a lot of pain and she instantly put something into my IV because the pain vanished. Oh the miracle of drugs. So relieved and happy because the doctor came over and told me that they had retrieved 27 eggs. So many more than we had expected. What he didn’t tell me what with a high number also comes a harder recovery, something I was totally unprepared for.
That night I felt ok, glad that it was all over. I even had some visitors and I remember thinking "ok wow that wasn't so bad." Oh the naïveté. That next week was rough. Like could barely make it from my bed to the bathroom kind of rough. This part of the process I wasn't prepared for, your body is in shock because you had all these eggs and now they are just gone. You hormones can’t regulate and your insides are just so swollen. You look like you’re three months pregnant and honestly tylenol, zofran, and your heating pad are your new best friends. The second night for me was the hardest, I slept on the bathroom floor begging for some kind of relief from the pressure. Every afternoon when Chris got home we would go for a walk around the neighborhood just in hopes that gravity and movement would help the pressure and bloating. My advice to you guys starting IVF, take the week after egg retrieval off. Have some visitors and helpers scheduled, same with meals. You are not going to want to eat much but make sure you plan. Salty snacks and gatorade will be so helpful. And lots of colace before and after your procedure. The digestion part of the process few people talk about but it's the hardest part. I went in thinking I would be back on my feet after a couple days, it took me a full week to want to leave the house and even then walking was painful. Honestly felt like I was dying, I remember calling my doctor three day post OP and saying I can barely stand up straight to walk. He calmly replied "yep sounds about right, just don't walk around then." You can imagine the face I made. Take my advice, be gentle with yourself and rest as much as you can. Don't try to push yourself, it's just not worth it.
The physical stuff was rough but it was manageable because I knew it was temporary. By day three we got our first embryo update phone call. Out of the 27 eggs they has retrieved, 22 were mature and 21 were fertilized. We were ecstatic, like suddenly all the pain was worth it and we had made it past a huge hurdle. We went from no kids to 21 embryos, it was incredible. Yes, while you are home suffering physically you are emotionally suffering because you are waiting every day for a phone call with an update on how your embryos are progressing. Something you have no control of, and you can't even distract yourself because you are home in bed. It's the emotional rollercoaster that is the hardest by far!
That week we developed a little routine that when Chris got home from work he would walk with me around the neighborhood (since I was pretty much in bed most of the day), then we would sit on the back patio and just talk. Talk about how we were feeling, about how magical it felt to finally have some embryos. Those moments on the patio were the light in this darkness and I will always hold them close to my heart.
By day five the dreaded side swipe came back with a vengeance. Naiveté and hope back at it again with their twisted games. Our 21 had now become three. Three. I could barely get the words out of my mouth when our doctor told me. How? Why? That instant panic, oh my god this didn’t work. All this pain and struggle for nothing. And the money, just down the drain. He reassured me that we weren’t out yet and these three embryos were off for genetic testing to make sure they were healthy. Another hurdle, we thought, there’s no way they are going to be ok that’s just not how this works. We’re out, that’s all I kept thinking. It was the one of the hardest days of this entire process.
He explained to me that this big of drop was very abnormal for our age and was most likely the cause of all our problems. As sadness poured over me, I was instantly overcome with this feeling of validation. Two years, countless tests, countless doctors appointments, everyone we knew telling us everything was great, people questioning our decision to “jump into” IVF all disappeared. All along we had known that the more tests we passed the harder to solve our issue must be, we knew it was never a good thing but try explaining that to worried friends and family. We finally had some answers, that was the weirdest feeling. No one wants to hear the word “abnormal” but in that moment, that gut feeling I had always had finally was validated. It was a chromosomal issue that could have never been seen or fixed, all those tears and guilt and self destructive behaviors for the past two year was for nothing. It was never in our hands, it was always bigger than us. No amount of relaxing would have ever made a difference, that to me was huge.
Once they had shipped the embryos off to the lab for PGS (genetic screening) we were told it could take anywhere from 7-10 days to hear back. Talk about torture. Plus we were suppose to start shots in a week and if we didn't hear back, what were we supposed to do? We didn't want to have to wait a whole month to start prepping for a transfer. The stress of the timing an waiting to hear if we even had an embryo to transfer was the hardest thing ever. So on July 1st we decided to get out of the house and think about something else. We headed out to Joshua Tree for a couple days where I took some awesome engagement photos for my sister and future brother in law. The photo below, taken by my amazing brother in law, is the only honest photo we have from that time period. Sure we took smiling photos at events but this was the real stuff. It was a moment, in between taking photos, in the middle of the day where my body just couldn't take it anymore. I was a little over a week post op, still popping Colace and Tylenol and feeling so so horrible. And that's Chris, always there with me holding me close and making me feel safe. I will always cherish this photo. It shows our struggle, it shows the real us.
July 3rd our three little embryos were sent off to genetic testing, we kept telling ourselves that we shouldn’t be entitled or selfish, we only need one. We only need one. Please come back normal and healthy. Please come back normal and healthy. This process messes with you, everyone tells you to stay positive and you try but after seeing negatives for so long it what you grow to expect, it’s what you brace for, which is sad. You want to be excited and positive but you are so guarded and cautious that you can’t. What followed was the longest week of our lives. I remember a few days into this horrible waiting game I had a thought "these little embryos have their own destiny on this earth, you can't be angry at what happens." It was a simple thought but it calmed me, almost reminded me that I can't control their destiny and they are ours and we need to love them either way. July 10th, 3:04 the phone rang. It’s my favorite nurse, before I could even say anything she said “Chelsea, are you ready for this?” I nervously said “I’m not sure…” she goes on to say “You should go buy a lotto ticket, all three are perfect, they are all normal and advanced.” I instantly start to shake and cry, this is the first happy news we had had in two years. Two years of nurses calling with bad news or no news. A week earlier we were so happy that we had too many embryos then disaster hit and we were clinging on desperately to the hopes of one. Now we had three perfect little embryos in the freezer waiting for us. Another one of those unforgettable moments.
This journey was far from over but for the next two weeks we didn't have anything to do but wait, so we decided to just be happy. We decided to celebrate that we had a successful first step and looked forward to the next step which was where the magic happens. Excitement, fear, worry, impatience, they were all creeping in and taking turns. I’ll take it, at least we got to move forward.
xoxo, Chelsea