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Test Day!
August 6th was a day that will forever be etched in my memory for the rest of my life. After what felt like the longest ten days ever, we were finally ready to go in for our pregnancy blood work. We work up early that morning, drove to Newport for a five minute appointment that would change everything. Two years ago, exactly on the day, we had started this journey of trying to start a family. We were naive and excited and praying for that honeymoon baby. Here we were two years later, anxiously driving up and down the coast waiting for a phone call.
We went in at 9 am for a blood test and the nurse told us she would call as soon as they had the results. The week of our transfer had been a busy one at the office and she had said we were the ninth couple being tested that week, all the others had been pregnant and hopefully we would continue the perfect record. I remember thinking "oh man, please let that be true." As soon as we left the doctors office I felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. I had a feeling I was pregnant but some spotting the day before had really shaken me up and now I was filled with doubt. Bracing myself for another epic disappointment while desperately clinging onto the possibility that this road might finally have a happy ending. We drove to Jan’s, forced some food down and got back into the car. We drove down PCH for two whole hours, stuck in this limbo of anxiety, not wanting to go home and wait. As if that made some kind of difference. By the time the clock hit noon we decided to head home. We nervously cleaned and tried anything to make the time go faster, unsuccessful in our attempts we decided to head to Trader Joe's to pick up some things. We weren’t in the store more than two minutes when my phone rang and my heart sunk. On the other end was the call we had been waiting our whole lives for. Before I could even think I answered it, waving to Chris to come with me outside so we could hear the results. She started out kind of calm and said “Hey Chelsea. Well, you’re pregnant, congratulations.” I couldn’t even believe it, I didn’t even have time to put her on speaker so Chris could hear it. I just smiled and he knew. Pregnant. Two years we had been waiting to hear that word, I still can’t believe it. It had worked. All the shots, the egg retrieval, the stress, the money, the transfer and the bedrest. It all had paid off.
We dropped our groceries and drove home as fast as we could. This was not the romantic scene I had pictured in my head. We didn’t take a picture or a video, I didn’t get to tell Chris privately one morning after a positive test. It was nothing like the movies but it was our story. The tears weren't these pure tears of joy they were a downpour of relief and disbelief. I just wanted to be home, I wanted some privacy, something IVF strips from you. The first thing we did was call all our people, again not the romantic way I had always imagined but the surprise factor just isn’t there with IVF. Everyone in your world who is close to you knows whats going on, they know when your big appointment days are, so you just go with it. You ease their worry as soon as you can, you thank them for all their support by keeping them in the loop. Plus, if heartbreak is coming at least you have them with you on the ride to support you in those moments too.
It truly was one of the best days of my life. I knew little bird was in there but this process shakes you to the core. It crushes you over and over again so the concept of feeling happy and confident just isn’t there. You wish you felt all the things normal people get to feel but you just don’t. The stakes are so much higher, your baby wasn’t conceived by a loving moment but in a lab and then in a cold room with doctors. Plus all the money, you try not to think about it but it's impossible not to. It’s weird, the whole thing is surreal. You know you are supposed to feel happy, it’s what you have been working towards for so long. Literally put your blood, sweat and tears into but the past holds you back. It makes you hesitate and feel cautious because you know how quickly things can turn.
My goal those first twelve weeks was to heal, I hoped we could both find that happiness. I hoped we could let ourselves celebrate every milestone. I was so thankful because every Monday morning we got to go in for an ultrasound and check in on little bird. Those were the days that we clung to, the ones that reminded us that everything was ok. Time was blurry during this stage, it was survival mode and living each day to get closer to the that next appointment. I honestly barely remember June- October. The worry will always be there, the ptsd will still be a struggle and that’s ok. It took two years to beat us down, I can't expect for our spirits to be healed over night. But we owed it to ourselves and the little babe growing inside of me to fight for that happiness.
IVF After the Positive HCG Test...
Unfortunately with IVF, getting that positive blood work doesn't mean the hard work stops. You still have so so many shots and medications left before you are "in the clear." Because your body didn't create this baby naturally your HCG levels have to be increased with the help of progesterone. After the shots in the belly during stims, I welcomed the change of getting shots in the lower back. At first they didn't hurt at all and I remember thinking this is so much easier. Yes, they were still twice a day, sometimes two shots other days three shots, but they weren't a hard. There was that sweet naivete again. After months of these shots, the sheer volume alone becomes overwhelming. Having to get two to three shots in the same spot, over and over for months really wears on you. If you are starting progesterone shots don't let this scare you. There are lots of tricks to help with the pain and bruising plus you will be so happy to finally be pregnant and seeing your baby in the ultrasounds every weeks it's much easier to stay motivated. I suggest getting a hot water bag, it helps break up the oil and ease the soreness. Also, massage. Massage. Massage. I can't emphasize this enough, after every night of shots Chris would massage and kneed out the lumps of oil. It helped so so much! I still feel sore some days and the numbness and sharp pains in the thighs still linger! Massage has been the only thing that has helped! Also, always have your partner hold the bottle of oil in their hand for a couple minutes before the shots, it being more room temperature going in helps a lot. And remember to go slow, the oil doesn't go in as smoothly as the other shots did so you just have be patient and go slow to make sure it all gets injected.
So during this part of the process you are given two types of medication, progesterone and estradiol. Progesterone is a shot that is administered twice a day, the dosage is adjusted every couple of days after your blood work to make sure the levels are where they need to be. The estradiol is a shot which basically balances your estrogen. The side affect for both of these are long and really vary from each person. For me, the days where I had all three shots were usually followed by kind of a dull headache. I blamed the estrogen. Who knows? It's hard to keep track of what medication is causing your issues or if it's the pregnancy at this point.
Once you reach 12 weeks the shots stop, that is a crazy day! Part of you is so so overwhelmed with happiness because you finally have some freedom again. You don't have to be ready with shots at a certain time twice a day, your poor lower back is going to finally get a break and your partner can stop being your nurse. All of which is a huge relief, especially after months of medications and shots. On the flip side, panic will inevitable strike at first. Now it's your body's turn to do the work and that is scary, especially if you have never been pregnant before. Some women spot a little when the progesterone stops, some feel their pregnancy symptoms ease up, for me it was the opposite. All of a sudden I felt all the symptoms. My nausea was out of control, I was getting sick at night and the heartburn and headaches were not fun. I tried the ginger pill with half a Unisom at night combo, that just made my heartburn worst. I eventually started on an anti-nausea medication called Diclegis. It was a game changer for sure. It was a lot of trial and error for me as a first timer. Certains foods were an instant no go and I quickly realized that I would always get sick after taking my prenatal. My OBGYN switched me to a plant based one and that was huge too, I felt so much better and my night times were way easier than they had been.
Finally becoming pregnant after a year of trying and then another year of fertility treatments was something I am still processing. I think a couple things caught me off guard. Maybe sharing them will help IVF or fertility warriors feel a little less guilty or alone.
First off, as soon as I heard the news I started crying. Not out of excitement but out of relief. Not a cute "omg I'm pregnant!" kind of cry, an ugly full body release kind of a cry. My body had finally succeeded instead of failing. It was like we had been holding our breaths and now we could finally breathe. Then I felt instant panic. Something I did not expect. Now what? Now I have this little baby inside of me that I have to make sure stays put. While at the same time bracing my heart for a sudden, not so happy, turn of events. I wasn't alone anymore, I was responsible for keeping this baby alive by making sure all the medications were perfect, that I rested and eat well. It was very overwhelming for me. You do feel some survivors guilt too, not sure what else to call it. Like you were one of the lucky ones and you kind of feel guilty that there are still so many out there still battling or going through multiple cycles. I didn't dwell on those thoughts but I didn't deny them either. Honestly, those first 12 weeks of pregnancy all I wanted to do was stay home. I feel safe there, like if anything happened if I was home so I could handle it. Plus, I felt so crappy and we were still on a strict shot schedule, the hermit life was just way easier. I did still feel a lot of guilt for missing out on life those 12 weeks, I dropped the ball on birthdays and special events, stopped reaching out to friends and family, none of which are like me at all but I was in survival mode I guess.
Another thing that really struck me was how crappy I felt physically. I think if you get pregnant naturally you go from feeling like your normal self to feeling pregnancy symptoms. When you are doing fertility
treatments, especially IVF your body is so tired and beat up that you think that pregnancy is going to be this great relief from all the fatigue and pain. It wasn't, at all. I felt even more tired, even more sick and after having felt that way for 7 months already it was really hard. Much much harder than I anticipated. So, don't expect pregnancy to give you that relief you feel like you need so desperately. If you need a break and want to feel like your old self for a little while then I suggest waiting on your transfer so you body can recoup a little bit. I think going into pregnancy feeling the way I did has been my biggest struggle. I didn't feel strong or healthy, I felt weak and beat up. Hopefully if we have to do this again, I will know next go around to schedule a transfer when I am feeling healthy and ready to battle all those pregnancy symptoms!
Ok so at 12 weeks you also get released to your OBGYN, you finally enter into the world of "normal people," again. It's a crazy milestone, not only are you leaving the office and staff at your RE office who you have grown to love and feel so close to but you are your own, so to speak. The weekly ultrasounds stop, which is so scary. You have no medicine to make to you feel safe. You're just a pregnant person who gets to see your doctor every four weeks with an occasional ultrasound. It wasn't until our 15 week appointment, that we finally decided to announce it to the world. I'm not sure why we waited, fear I suppose. It's not as if one week we would wake up and the fear would be gone but it was just the time we needed to feel prepared. This decision its totally personal and I would never advise anyone to tell anyone anything before they felt ready to. Once we told the world it was amazing because finally we had people sharing in our joy, instead of in our sorrow. Something we hadn't felt in a really long time. Plus there was no more hiding which for me, took away a lot of my stress.
So there is it. Our pregnancy story. I told myself once I got pregnant I would blog about all the milestones so I would remember and so that our little babe could read about his journey into this world. Thank you for reading these posts, hopefully they help my IVF warriors feel less alone. I know it's hard when you are in the trenches but you just have to keep battling through. Your time will come and always know I am happy to chat or answer questions! Always!
xoxo, Chelsea
