I loved reading birth stories when I was pregnant so I figured it was time to share mine. Plus, I want to always remember this special day, since nature has a way of making mamas forget all the pain!
Sunday April 8th at 4:47 am I woke up to really bad cramps. It felt like digestive pains so after a trip to the bathroom I told myself to go back to bed. At 5:30 I was up again, same thing only this time there was no falling back asleep. That entire day consisted on contractions. I had been having Braxton’s Hicks for weeks and weeks at that point but these felt different somehow. I’m not sure I would describe them at painful, at first. It was more of a wave of intensity that would kind of take my breath away. We cancelled all our plans, started timing them, while I did anything I could to distract myself in between. The feeling you get when you realize you’re going to meet your baby soon is indescribable. It’s this excited panic. I instantly started to buzz around the house, making sure we had everything, last minute photos I wanted were taken and our bags were good to go. I took a shower, washed and curled my hair. Watched Harry Potter. It’s was trip. It’s crazy how you can carry on between each intense wave, it was nothing like I expected.
I made it to 3:00pm, after a little bleeding, I decided it was time to call the doctor. Now, it should be noted that our doctor was out of town until Monday morning and I desperately wanted her to delivery him. Every hour I could handle got us an hour closer to her being able to be there. I decided it was time to call and the on call doctor said “well it definitely isn’t false labor, this is only going to keep progressing.” I felt so validated, overwhelmed, excited, nervous. Pretty much every feeling you could have, I was experiencing all at once. She said to stay home until the contractions were 3-5 minutes apart. At this time they were every 7 minutes so I kept laboring all afternoon. My mom decided to come over with some food around 8:00 pm and that is when they really started to pick up. It's crazy what a little change of energy can do!
By 9:00 pm my contractions were about 2-3 minutes apart and we decided it was time to go to the hospital. The car ride there was such a blur, I kept my eyes closed and focused on breathing through the pain. Once we got there they put us in a temporary check in room, that 30 minutes was torture. The nurse made me lay on my left side which made my pain level spike. My entire pregnancy that side had given me grief and I avoided it at all costs, so needless to say it wasn't fun. I was also shaking, like uncontrollably shaking. I kept apologizing and the nurses said “it’s ok it’s the labor shakes, they’re very common." In all my hours of googling I had never once heard of them. Of course, I would get the one weird side affect that I hadn't prepared for! But there I was, uncontrollably shaking. They did a quick pelvic exam and I was 4cm which meant we were being checked in! Best news ever because it meant an epidural and possible sleep were in my future. I remember joking with the nurse "if you send me back home, I am going to cry," she laughed and said "nope, you did great, you get to stay!"
The epidural was an unforgettable experience. Not only were the contractions getting harder to breathe through but my shaking was even worse. Now imagine having to sit up and sit perfectly still while your whole body is shaking uncontrollably. It was a mental battle for sure, especially because it took him 4-5 tries before finding the right spot. Each try was a sharp pressure down my spine but I knew how important it was so I just tried to focus on my breathing and meditation at that point. Once the epidural was in place, another doctor came in and told me he was going to break my water. Honestly, I was so tired and just counting my breaths with each contraction that I don’t really remember much of this part. I do remember him showing me the tool he was going to use, it looked just like a crochet hook. My sister and I looked at each other like "why would you should us that?!" But to the best of my memory I didn't feel anything, thank goodness!
The rest of the night was just a long cyclical blur. My mom, sister and Chris took turns sleeping and sitting with me reading off the monitor so I knew when my contractions were coming and how much longer I needed to breathe. Even with an epidural I could still feel the pressure and tension, I still needed to focus on staying calm. Focus on my breathing. I had read that it is easier to keep control than it is to regain it if you loose it, so I just kept my eyes closed and worked on my meditation. Every two hours the nurse would come in, check how much I had dilated and rotated my position. I knew epidurals could slow things down and I really didn’t want pitocin so I had the nurse help me change positions every hour or so. I am convinced the movement really help me progress and I highly recommend asking them to do this for you. I would switch sides, I would sit up, just kept switching my position to keep my blood moving. Every time she checked on me I had dilated another centimeter, which meant I never stalled out and never needed pitocin. My body was doing what it was made to do and I was so proud.
One of the things I remember most clearly is slowly watching the room fill with light. It was so important to me to have the baby during the day. Something about natural light always fuels my soul and gives me energy. It was a new day, the perfect day to have a baby because my doctor was finally back from vacation. She walked through the doors at 7:20 am and started to laugh. I said "I told you I would wait for you," and she smiled saying that she couldn't believe it when she saw my name on her list. I was the very first patient! She told me I was progressing perfectly and the nurses would call her back in when I was ready to push. The nurse on call had a student shadowing her and they were both really sweet. The nurse told me she was going to let me go until 9:30 am because she didn't want me to have to push very long, sounded like a great plan to me. Those two hours went by in a blink and it was 9:30 am before I knew it. Time to push, moment of truth. I pushed for a little bit and instantly started to feel frustrated. And nauseous, really really nauseous. My stomach was totally empty at that point and curling up to push just made all the acid in my stomach burn in my chest. We pushed in increments of three and by the third push I was asking my sister for the barf bag every time. I never threw up but man I wanted to. After about a half hour or so they called the doctor in. I love my doctor, she has the best energy and really made me feel like I was in safe hands.
A quick back story before I move on, my dad passed away suddenly in 2017. They said he died form SADS, basically a grown up version of SIDS where the heart suddenly stops. There was no warning and it was instant. Something we are still all grappling with. Needless to say I was very worried that I would have unknown cardiac issues, so prior to delivery I had an EKG and an echocardiogram just to be safe. Both came back fine, a huge relief. I still felt so nervous so I asked my doctor if I could be hooked up to a heart monitor during delivery too. She happily agreed, I mean why is that not a thing anyways? Do whatever you need to do to feel safe, be your own advocate and make sure you have a doctor who alleviates your worries instead of dismissing them. I loved that my obgyn had my back and listened to my concerns.
Ok, back to the birth! So after an hour of pushing (nice try nurse lady) my OB could sense my frustration and told me she wanted to bring in the mirror so I could see what was happening. I never had a birth plan, if IVF taught me anything, it is that you can't control or plan these things so it is best to have an open mind. That being said there were two things I did not want, a mirror or to pull my baby out. I just wanted to stay calm and focused and since I am such a visual person I felt like seeing things would distract me. After a little convincing, and a lot of frustration I agreed. Clearly I wasn't doing something right because this dang baby wouldn't come out. I took one look in the mirror and she said I needed to push down instead of curling up. The exact opposite that I had learned in our baby class. At least I figured out the issue and knew how to correct things. I desperately pushed for another hour, each time I felt like I was going to throw up, like I couldn't get the breathing quite right. Each time everyone would say "oh my gosh Chel, he is right there!" and each time no baby. I was exhausted and beyond frustrated, I finally decided that I was over it and this baby had to come out. I started some positive self talk out loud, I asked to hold my own legs so I could bear down better and a couple really hard pushes later he was out. The whole room gasped because he was so big! My whole pregnancy they had monitored him for being small since he had a Two Vessel cord and when he came out he was a big boy, 8 pound and 8 ounces, 21 inches long.
I waited to hear that cry and the second I did I just sobbed. I did it, he is here. I have chills just typing it. My whole life I had dreamt of this moment, all the struggle, all the pain, all the appointments, the shots, the stress, the worry, it all melted away. The relief I felt in that moment was indescribable. When we got pregnant people kept asking me if I felt so happy and I had always said I will happy once he is in my arms. I knew the pain all to well and I knew nothing was guaranteed but there he was. The first thing I said to Chris was "he's perfect," and he was. The second he was out the entire room filled with people. I remember looking up and seeing so many faces. I have no idea who all those people were. Nurses for the baby, nurses for me, students, who knows. I didn't care. I was in utter bliss with that sweet babe on my chest. He was there, he was ok, he made it. I made it.
Th next thing I remember is looking over at my sister, her face was fixated on the doctor who was busy fixing me up. She looked concerned and so I asked her if I was ok, she said "I think so." Then I looked down and this is a visual I will never ever forget. My doctor had her plastic mask on, blood everywhere and she was sewing up a storm. Her very happy go lucky personality was now laser focused and he facial expression was intense. I said "hey, doctor everything ok down there?" She calmly replied "it will be, just focus on your baby and I will focus on you." Her nurse was next to her handing her all kinds of rags and instruments, I tried my best to stay calm and do what she said. Before I knew it she was finished up and I was sitting there breastfeeding my little guy. I asked her again if I was ok, she said "you lost a lot of blood, have a pretty bad tear but I fixed you all up and you will be ok." Sounds good, I thought.
The gravity of what had happened didn't really hit me until they put me in a wheel chair and sent me off to another room. I was so pale, my legs were jello, my stomach had all kind of weird flutters and bubbles inside and everything below my waist felt like I had been hit by a bus. Once we were in the new room, what would be our home for the next two days, a nurse made me walk with her into the bathroom. It was in this moment that I think I started to realize how bad I had torn, how much blood I had loss and how my recovery was going to be way more intense that I had ever imagined. It's not that I thought I would just bounce back, I had read up on postpartum recovery and had everything ready at home. Tucks, pads, spritz bottle, salt baths, all of it. But this was way way worst than I had expected. I could barely stand on my own. I tried by best to just focus on the baby, if things were bad down there at least I was in the hospital in safe hands. That first day flew by in a flurry, so many people popping in and out. Nursing as much as I could. Trying my best to sleep when I could, trusting the nurses, my husband and my mom to take care of the baby since I couldn't get in and out of bed. Not how I saw our first day going but I just went with it. The next day we woke up, exhausted but so happy. They started to get our check out paperwork together when my doctor came in. She took one look at me and said nope, you guys need to stay another night. And that's what we did. I was so relieved, all day I kept thinking there is no way they'll send me home. How can I go home like this? I can't even get out of bed. I can't even walk the hallway without Chris holding me up. Once my doctor left, they came to get Benton for his circumcision. I had always imagined I would be there, holding his hand but I couldn't so I made Chris go. While they were gone I asked my favorite nurse what exactly had happened. You see, up until this point no one really told me what happened down there. Just vague words like "swollen,"and "big tear," but nothing really painted a realistic picture as to why I felt so bad. She told me Benton was big and I had a fourth degree tear all the way back. Everything was super swollen since I had pushed for so long and he was low for those couple of weeks leading up. I had loss a lot of blood but as far as she could tell I was going to be ok. Ok, I thought, well I couldn't change what happened and now I knew what was going on so I felt better.
We spent another night at the hospital, we watched Parks and Rec all night while he cluster fed. We ate whatever food they bought us and honestly we felt safe there. If you are in Southern California, HOAG is amazing. The staff is so sweet, they are so full of knowledge and they took great care of us! We kept counting down til it was time for us to check out. I was so nervous, I didn't feel ready. I didn't think I would be leaving there is such a beat up state but there we were. Never once had Benton cried but waiting in the lobby for Chris to go grab the car he had his first big meltdown. Im sitting there, sweating bullets because those postpartum hot flashes were no joke, my baby is screaming, he's in a diaper and a swaddle. We were a hot mess. I look over to this mama next to me, Starbucks in one hand, perfect hair and makeup, baby is this cute little outfit just sleeping. Newport Beach, you guys, no joke. She asks "how big was he?" I said 8lbs8oz, she says "oh wow she was only 5lbs2oz." Great I said, so that must be why you look like that and I look like this or maybe some ladies pop babies out better than I did who knows!
We loaded in the car, the sun touched his skin for the first time and we were off. He cried, it was feeding time and that was our first "holy shit, we have a kid," moment. But he was ours, perfect as could be. That day that we found out he had SUA, I was terrified. So many bad things could happen, he could have such a hard life but things didn't go that way. Everyday I told him to "grow big and strong" and he did. Such a good listener, I was so proud. And so incredibly thankful. Welcome to the world Benton James Maras Chatigny. Yes, he has both our last names. My dad never had a son and the name died with him. So we went all medieval and kept the name alive. All our kids will follow suit, I know he would be so proud.
Here are some of the incredible photos my sister snapped of those first few days. I had never shot a Fresh 48 session until after I saw these. They are some of my most prized photos and I truly believe everyone should have some taken in the hospital. It is such a magical blur, memories that your exhaustion just can't hold onto. So thankful that I have these...
